


Formless, Ever-Changing

by Cinnamongirl



Series: Motherfucking Sorcerer Continuity [3]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Amell over-shares, F/M, Relationship Issues, but Alistair is a good friend anyway, how do you know when you're in love?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-17
Updated: 2014-06-17
Packaged: 2018-02-05 00:35:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1798996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinnamongirl/pseuds/Cinnamongirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amell isn't sure about her feelings toward Zevran. Naturally, she goes to Alistair for advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Formless, Ever-Changing

Zevran was lost in thought. Ever since the Warden had helped him kill Taliesen, everything had felt strange. Good, but strange. To be honest, things had been strange long before that but the feelings were intensified now. He almost didn't notice her walking up and asking him to join her in her tent. She did this almost every night and he usually welcomed it, but tonight it just made everything even more confusing.

“No, I... no. I mean no offense, I simply... no.” He looked away. He hadn't meant to snap like that. What was going on?

“Is something wrong?”

“I do not wish to talk about it.”

“Then I'll leave you alone,” and she did, and Zevran felt even more confused.

He spent the next few days thinking. He wanted... something... that had something to do with her... but he couldn't articulate his desires beyond that. It had been made very clear to him for most of his life that love was something he could never have, or even deserve, to the point where he normally didn't dare to even think about the word. Still, it felt like whatever was wrong with him was in some way related to the whole love-concept. But where did that leave them? He couldn't very well tell her that he had been avoiding her because he felt something that may or may not be related to love. Zevran tried to turn it around in his head and figure out what he wanted. It wasn't common for him to want things other than money and/or sex from people. It didn't seem like very long ago that he had wanted to die, which had started the surprising sequence of events that had led him to today. Finally, on the third day of thinking, he realized that he was afraid of losing her when they no longer had the Blight to keep them together. Now that the hard part was out of the way, he was faced with the harder task of actually talking to her. It took Zevran a few seconds to notice the unintentional innuendo and he sighed. There was obviously something very wrong with him.

When she asked what had been going on, he tried to explain, “Everything I have been taught says what I feel is wrong. Yet I cannot help it. All I need to know is if there might be some future for us, some possibility of... I do not know what.” 

She didn't respond. She just stared at him, eyes wide. 

He realized that she was scared. Of the possible worst-case-scenario reactions he had gone through in his head, he hadn't even considered this one. “I am sorry, I didn't mean to... Are you all right?”

“I don't know. My skin feels wrong and I'm breathing but I feel like I can't get enough air... This is weird.”

“Should I leave?” It was the last thing he wanted to do but if he was making her uncomfortable...

“No! I don't want to be alone right now. Can you hold me or something?”

“Of course.” He tried to put his arms around her, but she felt too crowded like that. After trying a few different positions, she ended up sitting with her back to Zevran's chest. His hands floated awkwardly in the air because he wasn't sure what to do with them. This was not going as planned. Zevran been so worried about making himself vulnerable that he hadn't even considered the possibility that she would be upset. At least she seemed more comfortable now. He tried to figure out what to do. Asking if she was okay seemed to make the situation worse.

Finally, she spoke, “Sorry... Thanks... I don't know, this is strange. Can I have some time?” It wasn't a no.

“Take as long as you need.” After all, he had spent three days thinking. It wasn't fair to expect her to give him an answer on the spot.

“Thank you.” She kissed his check and left the tent.

* * *

Alistair stared at the fire. He couldn't stop worrying about the upcoming Landsmeet. He knew that it was important, but he had a feeling that whatever was coming was going to be bad. Right on cue, Amell walked up to sit next to him. “Hey, can we talk?” Shit. She had agreed to support Anora as queen because Alistair really didn't want to be king, but Eamon hadn't been happy about this decision. She probably wanted to have an uncomfortable conversation about that.

Oh well, there was no sense in delaying the inevitable. “What's on your mind?”

“I need your advice about Zevran.” _What?_

“Um, sure... Why me?” Alistair was happy to talk about anything that didn't involve himself right now, but he couldn't imagine why she had gone to him of all people.

“Well, I don't think Sten or Shale would know anything, and Morrigan would just tell some really disturbing story about Flemeth, and Leliana would be really annoying and all 'Oh, how romantic!'”

“Was that supposed to be Leliana's accent? That's not what she sounds like.”

“Be quiet. Anyway, I'm sick of Wynne telling me what to do, and we all saw how Oghren's marriage ended, so that leaves you. Besides, you're really smart and you know a lot about normal-people stuff like money and swords and weather.”

Alistair blinked. He didn't think he had ever been called smart or normal before. “Er, thanks, but I don't exactly have any experience in these... matters...”

“Hold on, are you saying you're still a virgin? How?”

“...Yes?” What did she mean by 'How?' What could he even say to that?

“I thought you and Leliana-”

“...No?” Leliana wasn't even interested in him. Was she?

“Remind me next time we're in Denerim and I'll pay for a prostitute for you. There are some attractive women there I know which ones are good. If they know it's your first time, they'll be gentle.” 

“No!” Alistair remembered spending a lot of time in the lobby of The Pearl, trying to avoid making eye contact with anyone while Amell was sleeping with one prostitute after another. At least now that she was with Zevran, he could sit in camp and avoid eye contact while she and Zevran were in her tent.

“Or they can be rough if you want. I forget, do you like men better? There are men there, too.” How had they started talking about him?

“Didn't you want to discuss Zevran?” He was going to regret saying that, he just knew it.

“Yes, that's right. So, I think this started when he gave me an earring...”

“Wait, I know this one! You're mad because he only gave you one earring and you have two ears!” Alistair was pleased with himself.

“No... Why would I be mad? Pirates wear one earring, right? And I had a friend back at the Circle who only wore one. Anyway, Zev said that he got it from the first person he killed for the Crows and I'm always giving you guys amulets and rings that I loot from people we kill so I thought he was just returning the favor. But then a few days ago, he refused to have sex with me...”

“Maybe he was just feeling sick. Not that I'm an expert on this, but it doesn't seem fair to expect him to be in the mood every day.”

“I wasn't upset about that; I don't mind masturbating.”

“Too much information! So, what exactly is the problem? Do I even want to know?”

“I talked to Zev last night and he wants assurance that we have a future together.”

“So... he wants to marry you?” Alistair had heard that most women want to get married. He didn't understand why this would be a bad thing, but he was frequently confused by her in general.

“No! He just asked about staying together after the Blight.”

“And... that's bad? Is it because he's an elf?”

“No, I'm not racist!”

“That's good at least... Does it bother you that he isn't a mage like you are?”

“No...”

“Oh, maybe you don't like being taller than him?”

“No, there's nothing wrong with Zevran, okay?”

 _Other than the fact that he tried to kill us?_ “Maybe you don't want to be with an assassin? Are you worried that he will try to kill you again?”

“No, I know it wasn't personal and I mean, we kill a lot of people too.”

“So just tell him that you want to break it off after the Blight ends, assuming we all survive anyway.”

“But I don't want to end it with him so soon! Well, hopefully we stop the Blight soon.”

Alistair honestly didn't see what the problem was in this situation. “It seems like you can say you want to stay with him, and then leave at some point in the future if you get sick of him. It's not like he's making you sign some binding contract. Wait, is he?”

“No, it's just... this is obviously important to him so I don't want to take it lightly.” Alistair suddenly realized that it sounded like she was in love with Zevran, but she didn't know it herself. His job was clear: he had to make her see this and admit it. Now, he just needed to figure out how to do that.

“I was wondering, you've... been with... a lot of people, but have you ever actually been in love?”

“No, I can't.”

“Er, why not?” 

“... I guess I don't know anymore.” She stared at the ground. That line of questioning obviously wasn't very helpful. He decided to try a different direction.

“So, hypothetically speaking, if you were to fall in love with someone, would it be someone like Zevran?”

“I guess so. He's good in bed and I trust him not to turn me in to the templars.” Was that what she thought love was based on? No wonder she was so confused.

“Okay, how about this: what do you like about him?”

“Well, he has a lot of good stories and jokes and he makes me laugh. And he's really perceptive. I think it's an assassin thing. It's like he always knows how I'm feeling and what I want. When we were at the Circle and Greagoir said that he was locking us in, I was terrified but Zevran was there for me and I don't think I could've handled it without him.” Alistair noticed that she had mentioned templars twice in less than five minutes. Was she really that preoccupied with them? Wait, she was still talking, “and I still don't know how I ended up as the one leading everybody but he's supportive and he backs me up and it's like he just knows what I need him to do and I usually don't even have to ask. It's like that with sex too, actually. Except when I'm in the mood to be dominated, and then he's really good at that.”

“Okay, that's enough about... that... Anyway, I didn't realize he liked you that much. The way you talk about it, he sounds better than most husbands I've met.”

“Wow, really?”

“And you obviously like him, so...”

“So?”

“Well, I was just thinking. I've never loved anyone before and I know what I was taught, but there is still a lot that I'm not sure about. I don't really understand you or Zevran or your... relationship... but I think you should do what makes you happy, and you seem to make each other happy. And you're pretty smart yourself, so I think you already know what you want to do but you won't admit it for some reason.”

She groaned. “Okay, thanks I guess.”

* * *

“So, Zev?”

“I am yours.”

She took a deep breath. "I don't know any more about this than you do but I don't want to lose you. I hope we can stay together in the future.”

“That is all I wish to hear. I am sorry for acting so strangely. I think I will be better now. Much better.”

* * *

# Epilogue

Warden-Commander Amell convinced Alistair to participate in the Dark Ritual in order to end the Blight. She still owes him multiple favors for this. Alistair remained a Grey Warden and while he never took her up on her offer to pay for a prostitute, he did eventually find a girlfriend.

Zevran left for Antiva and the Warden-Commander was called to Vigil's Keep. Shortly after the Mother and the Architect were defeated, she disappeared. 

 

Two years later, Zevran and Amell found themselves sitting in a tavern, trying to act like people who weren't trying to lure the assassins after them to a more convenient location. The food there was terrible, but at least the wine was only mediocre. He watched as she laughed at a joke he'd just made. When there was a pause in the conversation, he said “I love you.”

“What?" she asked. "I mean, I thought it was understood but we've never actually said that to each other.”

“Still, it is true. I do love you.”

“I love you too.”


End file.
